It’s pretty hard to get a portfolio started as a freelance cremator.

I can’t wait to have kids so that I can live all my incredibly epic dreams through them.

When I go to get a blood test I always make sure to bring a piece of wood to bite down on and I tell the doctor/nurse that I’m really brave and that I don’t want to be put under.

Every time I’ve tried to get a little kinky during a cybersex session it’s ended in disaster.

I wouldn’t say that I’m addicted to heroin, it’s more like heroin is addicted to me.

They should sell the Titanic Soundtrack with a cover to make it look like a blank CD, that way I could just write “Mr. Viking Love Mix 2008″ and give it to which ever girl I’m currently courting.

If it was scientifically proven that mermaids granted wishes I bet that scuba divers would have a reputation for being desperate losers.

Whenever a new friend invites me over, I like to unravel their entire roll of toilet paper and then roll it back up. Their reaction tells me a lot about them.

I found the reason why I was not getting any job interviews. My friend told me to get rid of this line from my skills section:

• Very good at matching beer with various breakfasts. (For example: Heineken goes great with Frosted Flakes)

A part of me hopes that there are aliens watching us from afar and that one day our scientists accidentally create a black hole and we all disappear leaving these aliens very confused.