Whenever I’m driving with a friend, and this friend falls asleep, I like to quickly pull over and start yelling “GET OUT! GET OUT! THEY’RE SHOOTING AT US! WE NEED TO RUN!!”.

I think the next big thing will be a reverse-microwave. Instead of bringing their pets to a kennel, people will be able to simply freeze them for a few weeks and then nuke em back up when they come home.

I hope the 7th Star Wars movie explores Chewbacca’s slow descent into alcoholism and depression and Han Solo’s abusive relationship with Leia.

When I have a kid, and that kid loses a tooth, I’m going to replace the tooth under the pillow with my car keys. When my kid wakes up in the morning and tells me that the tooth fairy gave them my keys I’m going to get super pissed. I’ll do the same thing for […]

When a cop pulls you over, you should quickly climb into the back seat and pretend that you were sleeping.

I bet when Abraham Lincoln was young, all his friends told him that he should be a basketball player. Good thing he didn’t listen to them, instead he ended up freeing all the slaves. He probably did more for the game than anyone else in history and he never even played!

Telling a girl that she’s the “opposite of bulimic” is actually not a compliment.

My sunburn that resembles the Virgin Mary has finally peeled off. So far nobody on ebay has placed a bid.

During rounds of golf with my boss, I invent my own rules just to show that I can think outside of the box.

Whenever I want to make a first date even more awkward I just start talking about my grandson.