But It’s A Lot Harder To Catch The Ball
Whenever I play football, I get a crow to perch on my shoulder to intimidate the other team.
It’s Cheaper Than Buying A Gun (And More Deadly)
I paid someone to kick my friends’ asses so that they would take karate lessons with me.
Do It Or I’ll Let Go Next Time We’re Going Down A Hill
I think my next girlfriend will be in a wheelchair. That way I can always feel dominant. Although, she would probably make me feel bad for laughing whenever I watch her try to mow the lawn.
3. Both At The Same Time
My only two goals in life are:
1. To win a Nobel Peace Prize
2. To fart loud enough to wake someone who is sleeping in another room
B4 You Answer, Let Me Finish My Sentence
A fun trick to pull on your girlfriend is to say “do you want to get engaged (pause) in a sweet game of battleship?”
He Has A Gun So Don’t Try To Argue
When I’m in any sort of science lecture, I like to start my questions with “My dad is a pastor and he says..”
Add Bird Feathers For Better Effect
A cool way to commit suicide would be to cut a hole in a trampoline and then lie face-down under it with a small bomb attached to your stomach. That way it would look like you just jumped way too high and the bomb would make it so that your internals are splattered.
Winning Bull Also Gets To Trample The Losing Human To Death
Bull riding would be a lot more humane if there were at least a few cows watching. Then it would look like the bull was trying to impress the cows. At the end, the bull that knocks off the human the fastest would get to mate with the prettiest cow, and maybe get a medal.